“Overwhelmed”
is the word I keep typing in each and every “thank you” message I
write. I've spent the last hour writing them to people that have
chosen to offer their support (financially and otherwise) for this
insane road trip in a crusty old car.
I'd like to state
publicly and for the record, that choosing a fund raising site for
this cause was not an easy task. The world is so full of injured and
damaged lives. Inequity. Need. True need, that asking for help in the
pursuit of my own ridiculous travel goals seemed almost insulting to
those that use such fund raising websites for softening the absolute
devastation that comes with life's pain and loss. I've experienced
loss. I'm intimate with it. I'll leave it at that, for now.
While formulating
the plan to raise funds for this epic adventure, I decided to do a
quick “self Google” - just to see what kinds of things people
might find, if they didn't already know about me or this weird little
car I chose to save and drive. What I found was heartbreaking in the
finest manner imaginable. There, six or seven links down, was a
GoFundMe site started by someone I have never personally met,
dedicated to raising money so that I could fix up my car. The BMW
2002 community is a tightly knit one. Given the kind of support I've
witnessed, over the last few years of ownership of this particular
rat, I can't say I was thoroughly surprised by such generosity. Our
little group is famous for it. I guess it was just my turn to be on
the receiving end. From what I could tell, the GFM site hadn't ever
gone “live” and was sort of a pipedream of good karma,
perpetrated by a fellow, former 2002 owner. I was floored, and forced
to think about a few serious issues, regarding the frivolity of such
fund raising, and what I really wanted and needed out of this road
trip and why it was important. I'll get to that another time, but
here's the thing I need to share with you all, and what became the
weight that tipped the scales for me, when pondering the guilt of
using a fund raising site for my little adventure.
The man that
started the previous GFM site on my behalf, himself benefitted from
such a fundraiser. Organized and perpetrated by the very same 2002
owner group that I consider family. His needs were different than
mine. Very different. About 12 years ago, his wife was in an
absolutely devastating automobile accident. The impact of her head
and brain against the door glass of her own car, left her in a state
that can only be described as “shattering”. I cannot dictate with
accuracy the condition of her mental, emotional, or physical
condition in the days, weeks, and months that followed her injury,
but I can tell you I was given a small window, through which to see
the emotional destruction, and eventual, never ending process of rebuilding, this event had on
her husband and family in every aspect of their lives...minute by
minute.
I
am reminded almost hourly, that my problems are so very small. Let me
assure you – I have them. And I am not very skilled at asking for
help. This later point was made very clear to me in recent weeks.
The fact that a
human being, who himself, had endured such a life eviscerating
experience, and who turned to the generosity of others to help heal
some of the wounds, chose MY SELFISH CAUSE to champion a few months
ago by creating a GFM site dedicated to me, razed me level with the
earth. He writes poems about his feelings and frustration and
gratitude, that his wife is still alive. The kind of poems that made
me cry openly when I read them, yesterday. If he thinks I'm worthy of
this generosity, that's good enough for me.
