My
father suffered a heart attack this week. I found him face down on
the carpet of his apartment on Wednesday. He was conscious and fairly
alert, but shaky and extremely weak. I am unable to fully comprehend
the idea that he may have been there for hours, helpless and alone.
For
the last few days, my brother and I have been by his side at the
hospital, where he appears stable and is being moderately sedated. It
will take some time before we can make any decisions about his long
term care. I've been back and forth to his apartment in a retirement
community several times, cleaning and sorting through things in an
attempt at summarizing the final hours of his presence there and
preparing the space, hopeful for his eventual return.
Last
night I had a truly profound experience. In the lobby, assembled near
the lit fireplace were 20 or so of his neighbors and fellow
residents. They urgently asked me to provide them with details of my
father's condition. At first I was just going to stand and tell them
that he's stable and should come through it, but then I decided to
sit and truly speak with them.
I
filled them in on many of the details. Perhaps too many. Each and
every one of them expressed how much they've missed him in the last
few days. How they grew to really love him, and how much they
appreciated his often off-center outlook on things. These people love
him in much the same way as my brother and I do. At this moment, I began to realize how much interaction he really had with people where he lives. And how he affected them by being there. A part of their community.
Until
last night, I had only provided information on his condition to the
staff and one other resident with whom he appears to have a wonderful
relationship and friendship. I wanted her to know he was alive and
seemingly stable. Though I don't know her feelings for my father, I
do know that he adores her character, her experiences, and her
completely on-point and razor sharp intellect.
The
residents in the lobby said they had been asking her for as many
details as she could provide, and that she was especially concerned
for my father's health. I could no longer keep it together. I lost it
completely and broke down in the elevator as it graced it's way up to
the third floor, where his apartment is.
I've
learned that the things that trigger my tears, are from beauty and
love and caring. Whenever I think about how much my father is
appreciated or adored, or loved... my emotions overflow and I begin
to weep.
When
I think about all the things that my father loves and cherishes, the
same wave of overwhelming emotion hits me. His love of music. Of brilliant women. The beauty of Jellyfish. The fragility fossils. Of automobiles. And of
my late mother.
I
hope to get him back in the coming weeks. I want to shed tears for
his recovery next.
