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Friday, April 12, 2013

I could totally sell the shit out of that shit.

As often happens while driving a boring vehicle down the road, my mind wanders as I start reading the names off the back of various cars on the highway. This morphs its way into a minor fit of ADHD as thoughts clang off the innards of my noggin. I start thinking about the process used to come up with the names of new car models.

How *DO* they figure out what they'll call the next motorized appliance? Here's a few things I picked up that might aid in illuminating my dear readers, and a few thoughts I've added on my own. I figured all I need to do in order to be a successful automotive marketing genius is throw a bunch more hair gel in, wear some metrosexual black T shirts and stop wearing socks with my slip on shoes. Oh...and I have to be completely disconnected from the actual appreciation of automobilia. That's absolutely crucial. 

FIRST: Buy a thesaurus. Look up synonyms for words like "speed", "fast", intimidating", "sexy" and other things we want our cars to be. 

SECOND: Make it a Masculine name. Nobody wants a car named "Muira","Ginetta" or "Fulvia", right? Of course not. Those cars all suck.

THIRD: Get the thesaurus out again. Look up words that promote trustworthy engineering. Words like "precision", "accuracy", "heartiness".

FOURTH: Pick a good country of origin for your imaginary car company. Italy and Germany are good ones. Stay away from tiny Asian or Eastern European countries that get invaded a lot.

FIFTH: Close your eyes and pick up the nearest book written entirely in Latin. Open it up and put your finger on the right side page about 1/3 of the way down. Write down that word. (It doesn't matter what it means, it's not YOUR language after all, right?) Stay away from medical books that discuss things like lung infections and glandular cysts.

SIXTH: Make sure the name ends with a vowel. Words like "turd", "weasel", and "grunt" don't end in vowels... see how this works? Avoidance.

Now.... pick a word from each step. Take three letters from each. Put them together in a random order and make it three words somehow. 

OK I confess. This doesn't really work. I'm just making a point here, ok?

What happens when you don't follow the rules? You end up with names like the "Lamprey Flatus Mk IV" or the "Bowl Clinger 5000".

If all else fails. Pick a city. Name your car after the last native resident kicked out or the first white man to invade it. Never fails. And be sure to mention something patriotic.